Real Talk!

Something struck me this week as I read a sweet friends blog.  She was describing the last few years of my life through her own experience.  It was different, yet the underlying tone was similar. The past four years have been a crap show, in my book, to be honest.  From coming somewhere I didn’t want to be {Indiana}, to my dad passing away after being here 2 years in, to having my purse stolen a few weeks ago, with various struggles in between…..that about sums up the last 4 years.  Yes, there have been wonderful, beautiful things that have happened here as well, yet there is an underlying pain with it all.  {Note, I heard some really good advice once about speaking from a scar, not a wound.  I believe this post is from a scar, not a wound.}

As she described her past 2 years, God gave me the revelation that my unraveling also began about 2 years ago.  Next month marks the 2 year anniversary of losing my dad.  It wasn’t too long after that {9 months} that I joined the Health Coach Institute to become a holistic health coach.  It made me wonder why did I do that then?  Was that a decision made out of grief?  Why did I do that then?  As I laid in bed praying and thinking about it, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper “you didn’t think you were enough.”  Ouch.  That then caused me to pray and think about why that might have been the case and what was surrounding the events that would have made me feel that way.  As hard as it is to admit, losing my dad was very isolating and I felt like people didn’t or couldn’t relate to me anymore.  They didn’t know what to say, or what to do and their life kept going on after the funeral and mine had stopped.  It’s all so bizarre and hard to describe unless you’ve lived it yourself, I suppose.  I felt alone.

Prior to my dad passing {about 2 years, again, to be precise}, I had started on a journey to change my own health and wellness.  It was an amazing journey that God used in so many ways in my life and the lives of others.  He really opened my eyes to how the church does not care for the temple He gave us and it seems like is one of the worst offenders with donuts on the regular, ice cream socials, all you can eat potlucks, etc.  As I became verbal about that and shared my passion, I started to feel shut down or shut out by some people.  Other believers in the body.  In a way, that kind of silenced me and my voice.  Then, my dad passing and the isolation I felt around that somehow created the belief that I wasn’t enough, didn’t know enough and when I became a “professional,” that would change things.

 

Oddly enough, I’m now a “professional,” and that hasn’t changed things.  If anything, it’s made me feel like I have to “prove” myself and that I know enough and am qualified to help people, which is B.S.  It may have actually made me lose a bit of myself, to be honest, in the quest to try and “prove” myself.  It may have made me a bit more “clinical,” and a bit less full of heart.  {Don’t worry, though, working on that 😉 }

I still have a passion and heart to help others get healthy, well, healed and whole.  They also have to want it too.  It’s frustrating to me to have someone come to me for help, then to see them post about the dessert buffet they are at a day later.  Or completely go MIA ~ Please, for the love, don’t do that!  {And I’m not saying this in judgement at all, so please hear my heart on that.  I know it’s hard to ask for help and I have all the admiration in the world for those who have the courage to ask, yet the results and change come from the follow up and taking action on it.  It hurts me when that part is missing, especially when I know they want/desire/need to change.}

Fast forward to the robbery a few weeks ago….it is a similar situation as my dad’s passing.  It hurts, I feel violated, angry, upset, etc. and the comments on social media come in.  Some helpful, some not.  I think all of this rippled on top of the past years experience kind of made me shut down.  It caused me to take time to pause, pray and reflect about who I show up for, where I show up and who gets my energy.  {And if you think that sounds selfish, we all have a limited amount and can’t be all things to all people.}   So, there’s a little bit more of the story behind why I took the break from facebook.  Some have asked and I always want to be honest and upfront, so here it is.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that I feel like the past 2 years I have been standing here bleeding in front of people.  {And, yes, I will acknowledge most of that is my choice with what to share, where, how, etc.}  When that’s the case, I want to be around people who will come with band aids, cream and offer to help vs just standing there watching.  Get in the trenches and be with the hurting!  Don’t just stand there and watch, right?  It’s become apparent to me that my philosophy is to jump in and help, not sit there and watch {duh, I’m a health coach after all, right?}  and that I need to be around/with others who are willing to jump in and help too.  So I suppose part of my break is accessing where I show up, for who and if those people are willing and will be in the trenches too.

It’s a fine line, because yes, there is a call on my life {as there are with all of us}, however, if the person with the calling isn’t healed, healthy and whole, that causes destruction down the road.  I’m committed to showing up and sharing what He has given me, however, it needs to be from a place of wholeness, not brokenness.  When posts are triggering you, something needs to be addressed.  Part of me was feeling like if I don’t show up and post, then I’m not fulfilling my call.  That’s not true ~ healing needs to happen in order to fulfill the call.  I’m committed to my own healing, not only for my family, but also the people I serve.  We can only take people as far as we have been……

Committed to showing up for you,
Melissa

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